The Medicine Wheel of Vicarious Beliefs

Spinning around and around, in a reflective environment. Crafted for the sight of the viewer, interested in the intent behind the maskless. Shame’s venom becomes the antidote of a faceless creation. The fake bursts of happiness. The same story told over, and over, and over again; begins to dissipate as we pass through the center of a wormhole, a dark void, a hall of broken mirrors. And all of sudden an impulse, a call, an urge to move in an intricate manner. The need to expel, to burst open in tears, flesh inside out. Body levitating and deeply grounded. No thoughts rising, holy breaths pleading.

Patterns are now a cycle, inherently opposite of each other. Patterns lay out a blueprint for what to look for. Cycles incite us to repeat with the impulse to move forward. Creating momentum. A dance between worlds. Dancing between the seen and unseen. The felt and the reasoned. The broken and the healed. A dance to inspire a shameless motion, to dance fully naked in front of the mirror. To see ourselves for the first time. To observe the scars left by the touch of the beast, without judgment. To feel the rage consuming us in silence so that we can sing to the bones of the dead. Watching rage mold its way through the hall of broken mirrors. Watching it become a spoken truth of what happened to us. Watching rage become our antidote as it molds itself into a fiery spark of creation. How does Rage prefer to express itself? Shame’s venom anticipates our reaction before it reaches our flesh. And as she stands straight, right before us, ready to strike and harmless at the same time, she lays its stings on the surface of the faceless, the pure, the innocent. And she vows. She vows to our presence, to the presence of the Keeper of the Light. Shame pays her respect and invites us to see her true essence, self-compassion.

My body speaks – “To watch yourself bleed. To watch yourself in pain and not leave. To feel the air escaping your lungs as you scream into a void, embracing your loss. To let yourself get lost in the antiquity of false thoughts, and not become one of them. To watch your flesh, turn inside out and feel the burning sun comforting you. To stay. To watch yourself twist out of pain strapped to a bed, chained to a house where death reigns. And not let go. To stay. To live through the bombing of hearts, the isolation of solace. The intrusiveness of judgement. To watch yourself transform with time. To let go of the idealist. To just be. To let yourself feel. To burn. To know what it feels like to walk amongst the living covered in ashes. Knowing that you were meant for more. Knowing that this is temporary even if it doesn’t feel like it. To watch yourself gracefully detach. Running to the depth of a numbing state. For now. Because this is temporary. And to begin again, every morning. Getting up again. Even if the floor shatters as you step out of bed. To wake up to the song of a wingless bird, because you both know what it feels like to want to fly away. And to love still. To love the cracks in the broken. Because you know where the cracks came from. To see others and see yourself. To breakdown in front of the mirror and watch yourself bleed again from the same wound. And to not leave. Because you stayed, you stayed and learned to love again. To love yourself and not feel shame. To love yourself, to see yourself and witness a raging soul start a creative fire. Now, my sweet thunder, it is in the presence of this ode that you must love and dance with fire.”

Shame will trap you and keep you in a cosmic cocoon playing on repeat all the abuse you endured. Reflecting it back to you in every single relationship that you decide to create. For as long as you need to. Therefore, you must learn to engage in a cyclical accord with the dead. For Rage needs to speak again. Not until you learn to break free and spin the Medicine Wheel, would Shame give you the antidote to live and die and live again. Not until then. Not until then.

To live in the present thus, is not to live in pain but in the light of self-compassion.

The Creative Soul Lives in a Blackhole

It’s a scary place, within. To go within is to take a leap of faith. To allow the instance of the present moment to hold you gently while you excavate the buried bones. The process of digging them up is a journey of its own. One begins to travel to the past, to the dark and painful past. That is where our inner child lives, and we must rescue them. We must guide them back to the present, to the surface. However, one must first feel grounded in the present to begin the journey to the center of the earth. Just how a black hole holds mystery and an inviting atmosphere to know where the light goes, so does this journey. We are entering our void; our own black hole and it is a scary task to not know if we will come back alive. But take it from a soul that has been venturing back and forth for centuries, what lies inside is a feeling of home that cannot be compared to anything in this world.

There are stages of this journey that we must discuss. The first stage will be the inviting sense of curiosity. The wanting to know what lives inside, how ugly are our demons? The monsters that we do not dare to look at. We all have an innate impulse that will push us to dance around the horizon, the last break before light dissipates. The purpose of this impulse is to guide us to take the blindfold off and start raging. Seek knowledge and literacy in all areas of your life where you don’t feel good enough. Start questioning your fears, your pain, your mind chatter. All the things that make up your current sense of reality. The false beliefs that were planted by another broken soul. Who are you, really?

Once we begin to dance around the horizon, we slowly will realize the distortion of the light as it enters the void. This is the second stage. When a block hole absorbs the light that once danced around the horizon, the gravitational pull is so strong that no particle can escape it. This is a warning, once you go within, you will not escape. You will realize that there is nothing to escape from. Within, space and time are non-existent. You will find yourself floating in a sense of being. The “I” will no longer live. You will endure the death of your ego, the sense of self and soon after become your observer, pure source energy. You will realize that you are not whom you used to be. You will not see your demons as separate from you. Each of them will start appearing in front of you. They will surround you. They will start hunting you. They will try to scare your soul away. These painful memories of the past will become your present. You will live with them. Sleep with them. Rest with them and dance with them. You are here for a short time, don’t worry. But in order to move on, you must go through this stage of rage.

Rage begins to form and slowly come up to the surface. You begin to realize the truth as your blindfold comes off. Your demons begin to speak to you. And you must listen. Remember you are now the observer. For some time, you will live in your body and need to remember to pay attention to what emotions come up for you. The outside world will try to pull you back to ‘reality’. Don’t listen to them, their reality is distorted. This journey is yours. Own it.

Once inside the void, your demons will speak to you through your body. The first demon that you must search for is the one that holds the root of all of your pain. Whether it’s the abuse you suffered at the hands of a loved one or the abandonment felt when your parents left. This demon will initiate you into a sacred dance with rage. Don’t worry, you will not become a violent sack of flesh. It is more beautiful than that.

It is a ritual on its own. So, make sure to be in a safe space where no one can disturb you. Make an appointment with rage. Set a time and a day, preferably while the sun is still up. Rage will meet you at the doorstep of your heart. So, make sure to leave the door open, without judgement. Rage will enter and bring out of you all the pain. She will hold you while you shake and levitate out of your body. She will look at you and observe the agony that called on her. And as she blows on the ember that your body expelled, she will whisper softly to your ear ‘my love, it was not your fault’. And this mere act of compassion will unleash the fire within.